Friends at Fifty+

Friends at Fifty+

What follows is not written from a perspective of self-pity. It’s not a transparent cry for sympathy or for someone to say “I’ll be your friend.”

With that out of the way, it feels somewhat embarrassing to say, let alone think, that I am struggling with what feels like a rejection. Well, maybe not a full-scale rejection. More like a lukewarm reception.

You see, there’s a person that I would like to be closer friends with, but it feels like the interest is not all that reciprocal. We’re friendly enough, but it feels like I am more interested in a greater connection than the other person. Check-in texts will go unacknowledged. Calls don’t get picked up. Missed calls usually don’t get returned. When we hang out in a group setting, everything is cool, but the arm’s length treatment outside of group dynamics makes me wonder if the in-person treatment is simply pleasantries.

Of course, as is often the case, my thoughts turn inward. What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t this person interested in becoming a closer friend? I have evolved over the years so I have moved away from blame. I don’t need to run this person in a ditch for not being more interested in a deep friendship. Maybe we are just friendly, but I’m not one of his boys.

Now, I understand that you are not going to develop meaningful friendships — the kind that extends beyond surface banter at social gatherings or occasional likes of social media posts — with everyone you encounter. The rub for me I find it very frustrating and deflating when you meet someone interesting, appear to have a lot in common them, make an effort to connect; yet, as the expression goes … “he/she just not that into you.”

Ugh!

I have grown comfortable enough in my own skin to share this angst. In this case, I am referring to my desire for a closer friendship with a guy. I’m sure that I am not the only man who has struggled with the circumstances of wanting to develop meaningful friendships with other men; particularly as we get older.

I once heard a radio host make the analogy of friendship (at a 50 plus) to a parking garage. The friend garage has a limited number of spaces, and in order for a new friend to come in, an existing friend needs to exit. I can’t say that I fully agree with that perspective. I have some really great friends. I am sure all of us has some friends who need to exit the garage. That aside, I know my friend ‘garage’ is not full, and there’s, unquestionably, capacity for another close friend.

In fairness, perhaps his ‘garage’ is full, and he doesn’t have the capacity for any more close friends.

Another thing I’ve been thinking about, more specifically related to the title of this post, is if developing new, meaningful friendships in your 50s and beyond is possible. I know it is, but how often does it happen? I refuse to believe that the friends we have at 50 can only be the people we’ve already known for years. I am sure that I’m not the only person who feels they’ve made a shift in their lives and perspectives as they’ve gotten older, and the friends you had prior that shift don’t necessarily align with your inner and outer view as they did in the past. Of course, I have friends that I’ve known for 30+ years who I consider like family. That said, I’ve met some folks in the past couple of years that I feel like I’ve known all my life. I suspect we all have some sort of seniority system with friends, but while I won’t call it meritocracy I do think about how much I really have in common with people I want to spend more time with and share mental and emotional energy.

Sigh. I don’t really have a neat and tidy end to this post. I really just wanted to get this “thing” out of my head. Perhaps by sharing, someone will come in with some wise, or even pithy, insight in the comments that will help me accept or realign my emotions and expectations.

Peace ✌🏽