These Three Words
I have been going around in circles trying to write a post that follows my usual attempt at structure, flow, and having a beginning, middle, and end. Today, I decided F that! I am just going to sit here and type what’s in my head. There may be posts that follow that are a bit more coherent and sequenced, but this is all I’ve got today. Note that I am going to speak in generalities about white people. I fully recognize a lot of white people don’t fall into specific examples, but as you’ll read later, stop making this about you and understand my point is that these issues are not limited to narrow cross-sections of the U.S. or only Trump voters. I grew up around enough so-called liberal white people in a so-called liberal city in Michigan to know that people in the North can be just as, if not more, racist than people in the South. If nothing else, dealing with a lot racism behind polite smiles in the North has given me a bit of a coder-ring, if you will, for bullshit and knowing when concern and understanding is only as deep as the veneer on IKEA furniture.
For most, if not all, of us — and by “us” I am referring to Black people — we are exhausted. Exhausted from seeing lives unjustly, violently taken without much regard outside of the Black community. We are exhausted from having to explain what racism looks and feels like again and again. We are exhausted at having to endure macro- and micro-aggressions because if we say something we’re accused of “making everything about race.” We are told to calm down. To speak with less emotion or without raising our voice(s). As Fannie Lou Hamer said, “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
But, despite the exhaustion, there is no time to be tired. I have to push through. I have to keep moving. It’s what I’ve done all of my life. Just as I have held out hope for decades that white people will finally wipe clean the filter of privilege to see what’s really happening to precious human lives.
This is not a time for being “woke,” a bit of a trigger word for me these days. This is a time for taking it upon yourself to learn the unvarnished history of this country; particularly text written by non-white authors. Further, read some works of fiction or non-fiction by Black, Latino, Indigenous, or Asian writers that may give you some insight into cultural perspectives and the nuances of navigating in a white-dominate society. Maybe…just maybe this will help you stop saying “I didn’t know that was a thing” “Does that still happen?” or “I can’t believe (fill in the blank.” Ugh! Most of the stuff a lot of Perhaps notice when you immediately scroll past a movie with a predominate Black cast because, somewhere in your mind you thought “This is not for me.” If I can sing the words to nearly every song in Grease, why don’t you know the words to every song of Love Jones? That last point may seem trivial, but I think it illustrates a pretty troubling cultural undercurrent that expects everyone to know “white stuff,” but “black stuff” is niche.
Speaking of words, there seems to be some backlash about there being a “word police” or “thought police.” A lot of hands wringing about not wanting to say the wrong thing. Here’s something. If you have to think twice before saying something, or if some little voice in your head says “this could be edgy” — don’t say that shit. As much as you might think you got busted out by someone Black, we self-police our words all the time. Our tongues are scarred by all the times we’ve had to bite down and not say something because we decided to pick and choose our battles. Instead of getting annoyed at phrases and words you’re not allowed to say anymore, ask yourself whether those things should have ever crossed your lips in the first place. I might smile uncomfortable when you call something ghetto, but my teeth are cover for my mind wanting to shout “STFU!”
Try making an effort to truly listen to and understand Black people you meet. But also, Latinos, Asians. Indigenous people. Listen to Black women. It probably isn’t my place to say, as a man, but I’m gonna say it anyway. From where I sit white women really need to work on this one. Wanting the power of sisterhood can’t manifest only when it’s convenient to white women and only if white women run the movement(s). Stop labeling Black women as enraged or angry without understanding they have every right to be angry … and loud … and in-your-face. Let’s face it, sometimes if called for. Look at the statistics for cancer, diabetes, hypertension, infant mortality, and many other areas of physical and mental health. Black women are catching hell, yet they’re supposed to make everyone else comfortable instead of crying out in pain?
Oh…while I’m on this In other words, can you please resist getting all in your feelings and “unwittingly” making the conversations of race be about you. Please don’t utter “But, I’m not racist” and think you’re absolved. Just don’t. Now, I’m not saying Shut The Fuck Up! Well…I kinda am, because I have been in far too many conversations over the last 30+ years (do you understand why I’m exhausted?) where white people get pricked by one or two statements of fact and want to shut it down. Meanwhile, I’ve got a body covered by the scares of a thousand thorns of racism.
STOP saying you are color blind. That chaps my ass so fast. I appreciate your sentiment, but not seeing color means there’s an implicit, or perhaps explicit, expectation that everyone will be the same. That’s boring as hell. I want you to see my color. To accept my color and culture. Don’t water me, or others, down to make having me around more comfortable for you. On this point, ask yourself whether you said this about that one Black friend you have — “I don’t see them as Black.” Come on now. The words may not be exact, but the thought is there. I know it happens because I’ve heard that stupid shit all my life. “You’re not like other Black people.” ARGH! Oh really? How about now?!! One more thing. Stop saying so and so “who just happened to be Black.” No one happens to be Black, Asian, Latino, Indigenous. You saying so feels dismissive or race. How about simply saying what you have to say about that person without descriptors. If race is relevant in the context of your conversation, don’t be embarrassed to offer that fact.
I hate that I even have to type this in 2020.
STOP. DOING. BLACKFACE!
The Internet is forever. Post some stupid shit…be prepared for it to haunt you.
Don’t try to argue with me about who can/cannot use the “N-word.” Just don’t!
Stop telling someone Black that you’re darker than them because you got a tan.
Don’t assume Black people are ok with joke about and insults of other racial and ethnic groups.
Appreciate that having a Black friend or two doesn’t give you carte blanche to be very familiar with other Black people.
I feel my blood pressure rising and my skin feels hot. Let me step back for a second and explain the title of this post. I was thinking about Stevie Wonder’s song “These Three Words." He was referring to the words “I love you,” but I couldn’t help but think how applicable the lyrics are to the words “Black Lives Matter.” Take a look.
The one for whom you'd give your very life
Could be taken in the twinkling of an eye
Through your tears you'd ask why did you go
Knowing you didn't always show just how much you love them so
These three words sweet and simple
These three words short and kind
These three words always kindles
An aching heart to smile inside
I’ve got more on my mind, but I need to step away from the computer for a while. I’m emotionally spent and have unapologetically turned inward to emotionally heal. Before I go, let’s turn the negative energy often associated with white guilt into the positive energy of acknowledgement. Can you acknowledge there’s a systemic issue of racism without you needing to strongly aver that you’re not part of the problem? Simply think through, without getting tripped up on guilt and angst, that there is a thread between the relative success and freedoms of white people and the enslavement of Africans for hundreds of years, followed by Jim Crow and State-sanctioned racism, discrimination, and bigotry. To not see the threads woven into your cloak of privilege were spun out from a mill of racial animus, disdain, and indifference to the loss life and promise is mind-boggling, disheartening, and deflating. Racism and privilege is an insidious problem that has to be addressed with openness and honesty.
What can you do? Resist the urge to jump in to run shit. So often that impulse turns into a stance of control. I don’t have a lot of answers right now. I Let’s begin with listening. Start there. Be ok with not having answers at the end of every conversation. Accept going into conversations that you may or will become uncomfortable. Be ok with being the only white person in a group. Black people have dealt with this dynamic for centuries and didn’t feel the need to state the obvious. Find the courage to check your family and friends when say or do something that you know or feel is wrong. Stay interested and engaged in racial equality and justice after things seem to “settle down.” The hard work often takes place when no one is looking.
If you’ve made it this far, let me be very clear about something for white people in my family (stepmother, cousins, ancestors). To my white friends, neighbors, yoga students, and anyone I meet randomly. This post may have been tough to read, but know that I speak from a place of I love. I approach our relationships from a position of being equal. No one is better or more valuable than another. I don’t need you to do all kinds of cartwheels and handstands to prove you believe Black Lives Matter. That I matter. Just be open to conversation, rants, occasional periods silence or my unwillingness to engage. Importantly, please be ready to have the collective back of Black folks when wrongs need to be set right.
As I stated early on, I have to believe there’s hope for a shift. To believe in anything else would assign myself, my spirit, my being, to a life without the space or capacity for joy. There’s an old saying in my family “You can’t be a beacon if your light don’t shine.”
Peace, Love + Light!
